Angel’s Revenge

(Crow stages a 70’s black exploitation film titled “Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk”)

Well, I only wanted to mention that the title is from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, which everyone probably knows already. The Temple of Doom starred Harrison Ford (of course) and Kate Capshaw, who ultimately married the movie’s director, Steven Spielberg. This was the first movie to house the PG-13 rating, mainly because of the now-famous dinner party scene, which was so gross that my sister refused to watch it for a while. The monkey brains, the eyeball soup, the stuffed beetles, the ball python stuffed with…smaller snakes—the gross-factor wasn’t in the same category as, say, Hannibal—it was fun, not vomit-inducing. My sister and I grew up on the Indiana Jones movies, and I have fond memories of watching this movie and being incredibly jealous of Short Round, getting to hang out with Indiana Jones and fight evil Thuggees and all. Oh well. One day.


Crow: What do you do? Shoot the hostage.

It’s a line from Speed, the hit action movie starring Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock, and Dennis Hopper. Keanu Reeves’ character, Jack (I haven’t seen the movie in a while, I don’t remember all the names, but I know his name is Jack because every action hero’s name is Jack) is put in a situation where the Bad Guy (Dennis Hopper, natch) has taken Jack’s partner (Jeff Bridges) hostage and Jack has to choose between getting Hopper and losing his partner and letting Hopper get away and maybe lose his partner anyway. So what does he do? Well, he shoots the hostage. Right in the leg. Dennis Hopper is so weirded out by this that he lets the hostage go, but somehow he gets away nevertheless. I remember liking this movie, but nobody ever really shows it on television anymore (I guess the idea of terrorist acts involving means of transportation is a little too familiar now; which, by the by, is the reason I don’t think I’ll ever see Air Force One on TV ever again). And the fact that I actually enjoyed a movie starring Keanu “Whoa” Reeves is saying a lot. By the way, Jeff Bridges buys it in the end nonetheless.
Update: Spoke to soon. Not only was Speed on television, but also Air Force One. Never underestimate the callousness of the media.


Servo: For Lancomê and…Isabella Rossellini!

What a strange way to say such a thing. Isabella Rossellini is an actress who made a name for herself in the incredibly weird Blue Velvet, also starring Dennis Hopper as a masochist who gets high on helium or something to that effect. She also starred in the critically acclaimed television movies Merlin and The Odyssey, and is the spokeswoman for Lancomê, which explains the reference. She’s equally famous as the daughter of director Roberto Rossellini and Ingrid Bergman, who happens to be my favorite actress. She favors her mother very much, and actually played her—or at least a character vaguely like her mother’s character Ilsa Lund in Casablanca—in an episode of “Tales from the Crypt”. I like Isabella Rossellini; a lot of actors try to get by because they have a parent who’s famous, but she can actually act. It must be in the genes.


(the opening credits are rolling, presenting B-list and below actors)
Mike: And Sir Laurence Olivier!

Laurence Olivier is considered the supreme Shakespearean actor—his film adaptations of Henry V and Hamlet are classics, and the latter has the distinction of being the only Shakespeare film to win Best Picture at the Oscars. He made other, lesser-known Shakespeare films—including As You Like It, Richard III, and Othello—and some non-Shakespeare films that went on to become classics: Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice, Spartacus, The Entertainer, and Marathon Man. Buuuutttt, my dad doesn’t like him very much. He thinks Kenneth Branagh is better with Shakespearean adaptations. And I’m inclined to agree with him on the second part, if only because I kind of grew up on Branagh's Shakespeare adaptations, although I do like Olivier's Henry V. I’ve seen The Entertainer (which I liked a lot), Pride and Prejudice (which I also liked a lot), Spartacus, and A Little Romance (starring a very young Diane Lane) and Rebecca and Wuthering Heights and so on. I’ve probably seen others but I can’t think of any. I don’t intend to sound as if I dislike him, because I actually really admire the man—talent oozes from him. And he was married to Vivien Leigh, who played Scarlet O’Hara in Gone with the Wind. In any case, Olivier is an incredibly, incredibly respected actor and thus is the irony of Mike calling him in the roster.


(the women are fighting on the beach)
Mike: Scenes cut from The Longest Day.

The Longest Day is, in my opinion, one of the best World War II movies out there. It’s packed with stars including John Wayne, Henry Fonda, Robert Mitchum, Sean Connery, Roddy McDowell, Robert Wagner, Mel Ferrer, Rod Steiger, Sal Mineo, Red Buttons, and (mah boy) Richard Burton. The Longest Day was unique in that it depicted D-Day through the eyes of both the Allies (specifically, the Americans, British, and French) and the Axis (the Germans). This is a really interesting movie, if you can get over the length. Interesting to note that Roddy McDowell and Richard Burton were in the middle of the troubled production of Cleopatra at the time this was filmed. McDowell had to plead for a part in this movie, just because Cleopatra was so tempestuous. I’m guessing Burton just went along for the ride. I think he gives one of the best performances in the movie, along with Christian Marquand, who played a Commander in the Free French army.


(the blonde drug dealer is ambling desperately on the roof of the apartment building)
Mike: We are all like drug-dealer on the roof!

Reference to Fiddler on the Roof. There is actually only one shot of a fiddler on the roof in Fiddler on the Roof, although the same fiddler does scamper along country roads whilst playing his violin a lot—stalking the Father and protagonist of the story (whom Mike is mimicking here), who smiles warmly at him. Maybe the guy just wants some milk. Check out what I had to say about Fiddler on the Roof in the Touch of Satan section.


(the blonde drug dealer is roughing up the fruity-looking kid)
Mike (as the drug dealer): The Bad News Bears are going to lose that game today, aren’t they?

Ha. Okay, The Bad News Bears is a very, very seventies film (actually, it was made in 1976) about a drunken ex-baseball player (Walter Matthau, very funny) who is asked to coach a kid’s baseball team. The catch is that the kids really, really suck. After talking his lady friend’s talented daughter (Tatum O’Neal, very good) and a pee wee rebel (Jackie Earl Haley, who gets to ride a motorcycle, smoke and drink, and hustle adults at air hockey) into joining the team, the Bad News Bears work to reach the championships, where they’ll have to defeat their hated rivals. While this may sound like every other by-the-numbers kiddie sports flick (of which there are too, too many), it’s actually really good, really funny, and may be one of the first of its kind. And it probably holds the record for number of shaggy blonde-haired Californian kids in one film. Check it out.