Sidehackers

(Rommel is running down the road [tryin’ to loosen his load/ he’s got his dead girlfriend on his mi-ind])
Tom: Is it safe? It’s not safe. Is it safe? It’s not safe.

That’s one of the famous lines (if not the only famous line) from Marathon Man, starring Dustin Hoffman and Laurence Olivier. Hoffman is a runner who learns that old dentist Olivier was once a Nazi. The “Is it safe?” line comes from the part where Olivier tortures Hoffman by drilling into his teeth. After he and his Nazi thugs let Hoffman go, Hoffman spends a long time running away from them (and he’s got a nice six-pack thing going too). I’d be careful if I were Hoffman. I once heard about a guy who had major dental surgery and then played football shortly thereafter, and he died of blood clot to his brain or some such thing. Just warning ya, Hoffman. It’s not safe.


(during the mind-numbingly boring race scene)
Crow: Throw me the whip!
Tom: Throw me the idol, I’ll throw you the whip!
Crow: Throw me the whip!

God only knows why exactly they chose to reference Raiders of the Lost Ark during the racing scene, but they did, and it’s done, but the confusion still remains. I’m going to say that one second of Raiders of the Lost Ark is more exciting than all of Sidehackers, and furthermore that the end credits of Raiders of the Lost Ark is more exciting than that damned race scene. I mean it. I’ll give the filmmakers the benefit of the doubt and say that the movie accidentally slipped into some black hole-ish dimension where things happen, but nothing really happens at all. The scene Crow and Tom reference, by the way, is at the very beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark, where Indiana Jones has stolen a South American fertility idol, and his guide is about to double-cross him. You may or may not recognize his guide—it’s Alfred Molina, who later came to fame in character roles, most notably and recently playing Diego Rivera in Frida and Doc Oc in the second Spider Man.


(throughout the movie, whenever Rommel’s name is mentioned, Joel and the ‘bots yell “You magnificent bastard!”)
(After his girlfriend is killed, Rommel bursts into his friend’s home)
Crow: It was Patton! He read my book!

Okay. General Erwin Rommel was one of Nazi Germany’s greatest military leaders. He fought mostly in North Africa, which is why he’s known as the “Desert Fox”. Rommel is considered by some as the Good Nazi, because he didn’t buy into the whole Nazi ideology (i.e. master race, etc.)—and some say he even rebelled against it openly (which would get most people killed, but he was so beneficial to the Nazi army that he was kept in high position). If I remember correctly, he was so jaded with Nazism that he either supported or assisted an attempt on Hitler’s life. The assassination attempt failed, and rather than suffer the indignity of being labeled a traitor by the Nazi party and executed, he was allowed to kill himself. He did indeed write a book about his life and experiences (before he died, of course), and Patton did indeed read it. George S. Patton was his “worthy adversary” in the North African campaign (he ultimately won the battle, obviously). So what does any of this have to do with movies? I’m glad you asked. All the lines mentioned above come from the top-notch biopic on Patton called, simply, Patton. It starred George C. Scott in the title role, and Joel and the ‘bots are obviously imitating him when they yell, “You magnificent bastard!” George C. Scott is an incredible actor (in my opinion much better than Brando ever was)—if you want to check out some of his best films, go rent The Hospital, Patton (he won an Oscar for it, by the way, which is amazing, considering how he was so against the Oscars in the first place, calling it a “meat parade”), and Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (just ask the video store clerk for Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove. You’ll run out of breath saying the full title, and its more than likely that the li’l film student will know what you’re talking about anyway).


(the whole movie’s about side-hacking.)

It might interest you to know that there’s another movie out there that involves side-hacking, called Little Fauss and Big Halsey, starring Robert Redford, Lauren Hutton, and Michael J. Pollard. Although the movie didn’t center the whole story on the “sport” (I’m apprehensive to call side-hacking a sport, just as I’m apprehensive to call hunting, race car driving, or golf a sport), it did mention it a couple of times, as Redford buys a motorcycle built for side-hacking and wants Pollard to be his side-hacking partner. Pollard declines, fearing that the sheer magnetism of Robert Redford might cause him to melt in his presence. Or maybe it’s because Redford’s character is an ass (hot though he may be) who stole Pollard’s girlfriend. Would I recommend this film? Probably, if you like to watch motorcycle racing and/or hot blonde guys with no shirts, or if you want to hear a soundtrack sung entirely by Johnny Cash, with songs written by Bob Dylan and Carl Perkins. And a bit of trivia for you all: Robert Redford and Michael J. Pollard hated each other. Which is entirely understandable, really.